Almost a year ago, (December 6th) my mom passed away. Not in my presence so I cannot speak on that directly. It was a tumultuous time for me, even beyond dealing with death itself. Not a single human around me experienced what I did, and vice-versa.
In general, people didn't know what to say, couldn't comfort me and ultimately, the few who tried, were themselves in pain. I had already lost 2 aunts, 2 friends, and an acquaintance in 5 months. What the hell do you say to me?
So one day I wrote my emotions on paper, they were not necessarily palatable, but they were genuine. Share? Sure.....
...I hate being sober,
I hate being drunk,
I hate being forced to feel what I am not ready for now, let me be a skunk!
I hate accepting reality,
I hate knowing that I care,
I hate being responsible,
I hate that this is here!
I hate that this is real,
Did they just say Cremains?You have no idea how I feel,
I hate crying about remains.
I hate that the people who are close to me don't understand,
I hate that to others this is a phase,
I hate that my existence is now on demand,
I accept that this is ultimately my base...
I have been carrying a lot of pain, hurt, remorse, anger and some more pain. I have been morose, But I am swimming. Someone asked me this week, "how can I ultimately support you as December creeps upon us?" I think that was the best thing anyone ever said to me about it in a long time.
Stay tuned! (My mom was the first woman I saw in 5 inches stilettos going to work as a high school teacher; it's my signature "accessory" and teaching was my first job).